Getting Caught

Beware of the energy vamp

Beware of where they camp

They are looking for you

To turn your mind into goo

With their senseless stories

Feels like your head’s been hit by a lorry

Over and over again

The pain never seems to end

All that useless chatter

What does it really matter

On and on, and on and on they go

Where they stop nobody knows

They’re filling my head full of junk

It’s putting me in a funk

None of it makes any sense

Is there a way to build a mental fence

To stop the onslaught

I’m always getting caught

How does speech

Morph into a leech

To tap you dry

I’m gonna cry

Not really

I’m just being silly

They all need a group hug

And a big sloppy kiss on the mug

I almost forgot to mention

They need YOUR attention

This is a public service announcement from potentially disruptive.

Just Say NO to Mayo

It all started when I sold my motorcycle

For a one-way ticket to the British Isles

I was following a girl

Who went to university in Leeds

She wanted to become a barrister

To fight for women’s needs

I stayed in the south where I could make some cash

I was heading up north for my birthday bash

There was a deep pain in my stomach

I was curled up feeling sad

That mayo on my sandwich must have been bad

My stomach hurt for three days

I went to the doctor

Amazed I didn’t have to pay

Boarding British rail

I was on my way

To see my friend

I could not wait

Arriving at our destination

Six hours late

I didn’t really mind

Until a bottle of wine

Got busted in my nap sack

Going through the turn style

I heard a whack

All my stuff was wet

Still I didn’t fret

I was too excited to see my friend

Plus my stomach was on the mend

I was feeling great

We put my stuff in the wash

And went out and on our date

I hadn’t eaten in days

So a big meal I ate

Walking on the way home

My stomach groaned

I picked up the pace

She said this isn’t a race

You don’t understand I have to go

Please don’t walk so slow

Squeezing my cheeks

Moving my feet

I made it to the door

Half way up the stairs

This isn’t fair

Everything came rushing out

The look on her face

Was like she just got maced

She was pretty clever

Hosing me off in that cold weather

Later that night I tried to get frisky

She said the world doesn’t contain enough whisky

Take It Back

Up on a hill on Wailuku Drive

Two boys on a bicycle fly by

Cousin on the handle bars

Me on the seat

Both boys cursing each other through their teeth

Ninety degree turn up head

Take it back, cousin I said

You take it back you freak

Both of us screaming ‘take it back’

While flying down the street

I’m not slowing down this bike

Until you apologize to me

You started it by popping a wheely

Too late now

Controlled crash it has to be

Sliding off the road into banana trees

All bloodied up with torn clothes

We left the broken bike in the groves

But off to work we still go

Both of us limping on opposite sides of the road

Flipping each other off as we moan and groan

I take it back cousin

There, I said it

It wasn’t right

Me popping the wheely

While you weren’t holding on tight

I know we laughed about it that night

But twenty years later

Ha, I beat you again

I said “I take it back” first

Got you again

Thank you cousin

You’ve been a great friend

Ruff

Mark and I sat in a vacant lot laughing uncontrollably. An old church towered behind us.

It was late at night and we were trying to rein ourselves in from some mind-bending substance.

Everything was so funny, we couldn’t stop laughing.

We lived across the street.

We didn’t want to wake anyone up.

A puppy darted around the field, playfully dancing around us.

Mark called to the puppy.

The puppy happily bounced over to us.

Mark petted the puppy.

The puppy ran off to the street and immediately got run over by a speeding truck.

The truck came to a screeching halt.

Lights started popping on in the houses up and down the street.

I looked at Mark. He was looking at the hand that petted the pooch.

Neighbors started pouring out of their houses screaming at the driver.

Mark and I moved back into the shadows of the church.

He kept looking at his hand.

Eventually we were able to cross the street and go home.

We both worked in the morning so I didn’t see him till the next evening.

I met him at the pub.

I could tell he was still freaked out.

He looked at his hand like he had inherited the black hand of death.

We sat in silence even though the pub was buzzing with activity.

I wanted to tell him stuff just happens man.

I looked Mark in the eye.

The only thing I could say was…

Ruff.

Politically Incorrect

So I see a guy around the office.

His job is to keep stuff clean and deal with the trash.

He has that special look on his face.

He doesn’t talk much. He often makes soft guttural noises as he works.

I see him in the cafeteria. He’s always eating alone.

I remember a grocery bagger in Sedona that I thought had too many bong loads for breakfast one morning.

I was working craft service for a movie of the week. I had two shopping carts full of snacks.

This kid wasn’t bagging my stuff. Just reading labels on all my snacks.

I asked him nicely several times to bag my stuff.

He just kept reading the labels and bagging some stuff and some stuff he would put back down.

Frustrated I finally walked up behind the guy and said, “what are you retarded?”

He turned around and yeah, he was special needs.

He said “hi.”

I apologized.

I vow to do better — offer this guy some humanity.

I walk in the cafeteria one day. He’s sitting alone.

I said “hello” and asked if he minded if I sat there.

He shook his head no.

I’m feeling pretty good. Is this what redemption feels like? I wonder.

I take a seat.

He starts talking.

He’s not special needs.

Within five minutes this guys is loudly describing every intimate detail of his relationship with his girlfriend… in a physical sense.

Everyone within a fifty foot radius could hear this guy pretty clearly.

From their awkward stares I can tell they think I’m in agreement.

I said “No! I sat here because I thought he was retarded.”

I left the cafeteria.