Be Nice to Your Waiter

In a room that smelled like aging meat

Chef Mutton Chop had too much to drink

sherry

He blurted out:

The guy who prepared your soup

lobster-bisque

never washes his hands after he poops!

Yes, tap water from the sink

rustyfaucet

is scary to drink.

They all put their dinkys

drink

in the drinkys!

And their noodles

strudel

poke your strudel!

Always having fun

with your bun,

burger

never forgetting the extra sleaze

on the cheese.

Hepatitis — Tag, You’re it!

Chef Mutton Chop then leaned over and vomited in a trash can.

And one final thought…

They always use the tortilla as a wipe

burrito

before they roll your burrito tight.

Cheers!

Have a great time as you dine tonight.

waiters

Rappin’ Yogi Mossie

Yogi Mossie and the Down Dog Posse

We’re tearing hammies from here to Miami

toughpossee

We do our chaturangas in bling

We are the yoga kings

possee

We’re always bringing the hassle

To the parkour lads in Newcastle

parkour2

We’re always starting trouble

Here to burst your fitness bubble

Ram Pratap Verma, a 32-year-old aspiring Bollywood film actor, practices gymnastics on a beach in Mumbai

The heat’s in the meat

As we breathe to the beat

urbanstreet

Yogi Mossie and the Down Dog Posse are tough

Not to be confused with the cross fit fluff

crossfit

Internet blogger freaks doing Blogarate

It’s like a Yugo drag racing a Maserati

Yugo

maserati

You do push-ups on your pinkies

We do press-ups with our winkies

crane

Yoga’s the winner

We’ll consume you for dinner

dinner

Warrior 1

Warrior2

Warrior 3

We practice yoga for free

yogagroup

Yogi Mossie and the Down Dog Posse

Namaste

onhead

Scammed

granny

Granny’s looking for someone special to meet

romance

Cruising the internet for a guy who’s sweet

funeral

Her husband died and now she feels like a loner

gold-jewels

Over the net she met a Ukrainian mine owner

handsome

The picture of the man is tall dark and handsome

ransom

Not realizing her heart will be held for ransom

Granny really begins to care

LoveWords

He knows all the right words to share

IMs

He likes to instant message by choice

Granny never hears his voice

It’s a little odd he won’t use a phone

cash

Then he instant messages Granny for a loan

trouble

He’s in big trouble… a situation far away

Granny loves him so she says “okay”

This situation goes on and on

Skycity . Opening of Nations Clubrooms Fireworks 9th sep.2011

Until all of Granny’s savings are gone

All those with grannies please beware

scammer

Scammers are everywhere

red-heart

Stay close to your granny

Cheers

The Big Stink

Aside

grocerystore

Shopping this morning my face is numb

It’s the second time I’ve been crop dusted by an invisible bum

holdingnose

A fly-by of flatulence that smells like day old bologna

redbaronwithgun

Searching the quiet store

grocery-store-aisles

I caught a glimpse of old man Maloney

Laughing and chuckling as he disappeared down an aisle

laughingman

He got me again

That smell sure is vile

The odor stuck to the clothes I was wearin’

Everyone be on the lookout for the Red Baron

redbaron

A Chef’s Plea to Low Carb Dieters

piggy
Stop living in the closet.
What’s wrong with you?
You dream of foreplay with chips and salsa before you make love to a beef burrito.

bigburritolove
But you deny yourself.
You even deny yourself birthday cake at your own child’s birthday party.

birthday
Stop living on the fringe where the burger meets the bun or the salad meets the crouton.
Come back my falafel eating maniacs.

falafel
What happened to binge drinking while shoving countless cupcakes in your face as you laughed all night?

cupcakes
Where did the laughter go?

laughter
Now it looks as if a nervous breakdown is imminent.

hamsterwheel
I’m calling all the little piggies back to the pen.

Eat Cake!

cake
Live life to the fullest.

bigbelly

Chef Mutton Chop’s Plea is brought to you by Potentially Disruptive.

psa

Never Too Late

Under the sun

Looking for fun

Flirting with the sea of darkness

underthesun

Take drink

Try not to sink

Escaping into the sea of darkness

mandrinking

All your troubles

Tiny air bubbles

Sinking into the sea of darkness

airbubbles

Take a toot

Soul becomes mute

Drowning in the sea of darkness

druguse

Out of the dark

Come the sharks

Prowling in the sea of darkness

demons

In the midst of strife

Better fight for your life

In the sea of darkness

fightforlife2

Illicit bait

Opens the gates

Into the sea of darkness

gatesofhell

Don’t be confused

As you’re consumed

In the sea of darkness

consumed

It was your sin

Jumping in

Into the sea of darkness

Open your eyes

And begin to rise

Out of the sea of darkness

awakening

Cut your ties

To all the lies

Trapping you in the sea of darkness

turnyourback

It’s never too late

To change your fate

Concerning the sea of darkness

beautifulday

A Tale of The Company

Lock and load
montecarlo

Shameful road

Loving souls
hippies

Lumps of coal
shadypeople
Empty eyes

Fried minds
fried
Never any good-byes

On the run
running
With a ton

All told

Lots of gold
gold

Only lead
lead

Many dead

Rat a tat tat!
rat

Most in jail
dea

Lots of tales
talltales

About loving souls
jewels

Morphing into lumps of coal
coal

Sad empty eyes

Brilliant fried minds

Never any good-byes
taillights

The Coronado Company

Have you seen the press?

Clooney, Heslov, Bearman.

An island’s dirty little secret.

hoteldel

Memories flood in.

Hippies, honey-bear cookies and my best friend Bear.

kennyandbear

Carefree days roaming freely.

Wind in my hair.

kennyonboat

Sun on my face.

People I looked up to, lived with, laughed with.

oldyellowhouse

Sweet memories.

And then… the screeching brakes of reality.

The curtain pulls back.

Guns.

Drugs.

Indictments.

Disappearing acts.

The rumors, the stories, the news.

Here’s what Sixty Minutes said about it.

It’s only a sliver of the story.

On The Road Again

Flying down the road

The kids think I’m a troll

Because I’ll only play rock and roll

I sing loud and proud

I like the windows down

Still everybody frowns

They all want to hear one thing

And it’s not music from the king

I raised them on Miles and Coltrane

Mozart and Beethoven

Elvis and Frank

When did their musical tastes tank

They are fanatics about country

Since some of those weenies

Started wearing beanies

I would rather commit harry carry

Than listen to those fairies

About dirt and trucks

And dogs wagging their tails for good luck

I would rather stab myself in the neck

Than to sit back and say what the heck

I was told

I’m just getting old

Better roll up the windows before you catch a cold

Just another old man

Driving a bunch of kids in a mini van